My son is married to a selfish, passive-aggressive woman. How can I give him money without holding his hand?

Dear Quantin,

My 42-year-old only child married a woman 12 years ago.

He is selfish, a monk and highly passive-aggressive. I don’t know why my intelligent son remained married. He has cut off all his friends and family. My daughter-in-law never attends family events. He has an 18-year-old disabled daughter who is very friendly. I treated him as if he were my flesh and blood.

My 43-year-old husband died this past year. If I die I will have enough money in my estate (if everyone plans). My son lives a wonderful life and will not need any money from me. However, I don’t want him to be hurt. I don’t want any money or things to go to my daughter’s son-in-law.

How can I give her at least some money, the rest going to charity, without going to my daughter-in-law? My granddaughter – as I call her – cannot take the money because she is extremely disabled, and the state pays her medical bills. He will never be able to work. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Feeling very lonely and sad

You can email The Monist with any financial and ethical questions about coronavirus at and follow Quentin Futrell Twitter.

Dear alone

People enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons and you believe that your daughter-in-law is bad for your husband, he has chosen her.

Even assuming that her behavior has deteriorated year after year, she remains married. He gets something out of it – enough for her to stay married. You can ask him, “Are you happy?” Or reveal that you sometimes think he doesn’t see enough of his old friends. But you can’t live his life for him.

You can set up a trust for your son before or after the wedding, without a post-wedding contract. The trust can specify how your son gets the money-for example, as an income instead of a single money and can be used for a specific purpose (he will need more care for the long-term care of his honest daughter, or just your son’s expenses). It can be better than a single amount that can be accidentally (or not) consolidated as marital property.

Some people put their real homes in a belief when it comes to predicting their adult children. “You can also be a beneficiary and act as a trustee,” according to Alice A. Salvo’s law office. “When you die, the property may remain in the trust for the benefit of your adult child or pass to him or her in accordance with the terms of the trust. The home will not be part of the probate estate and, therefore, will not be part of the probate process.

You should also check the rules in your state about whether gifts are considered community or individual property. Inheritance is generally considered a separate property unless it is deposited in a joint bank account or, for example, the money is used for the renovation of the family home. Laws vary by state. In Tennessee, for example, gifts are generally considered separate property, but gifts are considered community property in New York.

In the meantime, the healthier your relationship with your daughter-in-law, the more access you will have to your family. It’s hard to let go of long-formed resentments, felt pettiness, and opinions, but even if we look for them, tough people have good qualities. She can be a good mother or wife, even if she is not sociable or outgoing – and her reserve has everything to do with her own pain and upbringing and has nothing to do with you.

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See Moneyist Personal Facebook Group, where we are looking for answers to the most difficult money problems in life. Readers write to me with all kinds of hesitations. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or rely on recent semantic columns.

The semantist is sad that he cannot answer the question individually.

More from Quentin Fottrell:

‘I just don’t trust my sister’: How can I give money to my nieces without their mother’s access?
We are getting married and have a baby on the way. My wife offered to pay me $ 10,000 student debt and $ 7,500 car
I have three children. I claimed my house to my most responsible son. Now he has blocked my call
My cousin died, Mess left home. Her landlord wants me to repaint and replace the carpet. What should we do?

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