‘I don’t want a permanent freeloader as boyfriend’: We met during the epidemic – and he moved 900 miles to stay with me

Dear Quantin,

I am a 48-year-old single professional mother with two school-age children. My annual salary is about $ 200,000 and net worth is about 2 1.2 million. I unexpectedly found an epidemic romance with an old flame.

It started online and we were 900 miles away. It was a long distance for about a year, and then a weekend trip (when the Covid-1sp spike was reduced). We’ve moved “permanently” this fall. We wouldn’t have lived together if we had met locally.

We are not talking about marriage yet. My boyfriend owns his own house, and a family member is supposed to start renting him soon, but it will only cover his mortgage, insurance, etc.

He has lived with me for free for six months. I paid for travel, household groceries and 95% food meals. My boyfriend’s total wealth is about 150 150,000 – including his house and 401 (k) – and he has an annual salary of $ 80,000.

My utility has increased since she works from home. He bought extra furniture worth $ 2,000 for his stuff with my credit card. I took most of his running costs (he gave me something back).

I don’t want a permanent freeloader as a boyfriend, and he wants to give something away. He did some housework for me and some “free labor” (yard work). He’s not even going to break into his own home mortgage, so it doesn’t make sense to ask him to pay a lot of money.

He wants to contribute. But what is fair?


You can email The Monist with any financial and ethical questions about coronavirus at and follow Quentin Futrell Twitter.

Dear Breadwinner,

Oh, boy. I would say it was too early to go together, but the ship sailed. You mentioned marriage, I would like to add to my voice – I hope – a Greek chorus to say that you have to think about getting tied up very soon. Greek choirs usually get bad raps to keep their noses stuck where they don’t want to. In this case, however, I think it is justifiable. Slowly.

You don’t really know anyone until you live with them, so know that most people start out as they want to continue. He came and – despite his own mortgage duty (let’s assume generously what he said is true) – was by your side when you paid for travel and dinner, not just groceries. The tablecloth in your kitchen is currently woven from red flags.

What do you know about this guy and why are you leaving in such a hurry? Why are you suddenly bearing so much of his financial responsibility? Does he meet any needs in your life that a solvent, stable and safe person living in your own city could not meet? If you carry so much burden after six months, how much are you expected to carry after six years?

He will pay all your family groceries and dinner and exactly half of the travel, and pay his rent / something for your mortgage. I leave it up to you to decide তিনি he can pay one-third of the mortgage or market rent considering your salary inequality.

If he expresses the same desire to contribute financially to your family as he did to uproot his life and move 900 miles to be with you, we will not have this conversation. But so far his actions have not been added.

Be careful. Slow down. And until you know more about her, no longer be sure that this is the right relationship for you. I’m sure you think he’s a great guy, and he’s Can Be a great person for someone there, but I can only follow what you told me in your letter.

I know this: a great man does not sit idly by and let his partner take all the bills.

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See Moneyist Personal Facebook Group, where we are looking for answers to the most difficult money problems in life. Readers write to me with all kinds of hesitations. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or consider the latest semantic columns.

The semantist is sad that he cannot answer the question individually.

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